It’s been a crazy couple of days but that’s to be expected since we’re right in the middle of the season. I have a lot of things to look forward to. The hockey is exciting and I have a trip planned for the end of April so it ought to be fun.

Looking back, I’ve realized that I put a lot of other things on hold just so I can keep myself afloat, this blog being an example I suppose. I haven’t really had time to write or spend much time on my photography or music lately. Even at church I’ve taken somewhat of a step back which is more conducive with my schedule. I’m hoping to get back into these things though as I’ve volunteered to help write scripts for our church’s drama team. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to actually be on stage one of these days!

It’s easy to be on stage when I’m behind the piano. I know the songs, I know how to play well and I’m not the focus of what worship is all about. I’m there to do my part and that’s it, not to draw attention to myself.

The thing with being a robot, however, is that while you might want to change you don’t really know how.

The season’s in full swing and I’ve been in 100% hockey mode. If you cut open my head and look at my brain (provided you find one in there) you will see HOCKEYHOCKEYHOCKEY scrawled everywhere. I did manage to find some time to hang out with Cindy last week where we discussed our New York trip in April and I’m excited to just get away with the old roomies for a couple of days and reconnect. They’re the type of people that you can just pick up where you left off despite not seeing each other for awhile and everybody needs those type of friends in your life when there’s so many demands on one’s time nowadays.

This past week did prove to provide some mystery and intrigue thanks to 2 dozen roses sent to me at my office on Valentine’s Day. The roses came late in the day, the sender anonymous. I honestly have no clue still who they are from but my friend Ang has put on her detective hat and done some investigating for me so we’ll see what happens there.

I’m back to the rink today for a 3-game weekend. That’s why I have ice in my veins. No ice queen jokes please.

I don’t want to flit through everyday and not stop to appreciate things. I’m not the most sentimental type, I don’t get attached to things easily which is something I acknowledge. This is why I suppose I fall easily into not taking the time when I should.

I don’t want to be ungrateful. I don’t want to lose out on the very precious, very short time we have on this Earth but I let my own inhibitions stop me. There are times where my ability to feel happiness surprises me. It sneaks up on me, unexpectedly and sometimes I forget to take a step back and savour the moment and just let it sink in how blessed I am. I work in an industry I love, and I’m surrounded by friends who listen to me and care. That’s an embarrassment of riches for just about anybody.

When I was 13 I had written a list of things I wanted to accomplish by the time I turned 20. I no longer have this list but suffice it to say, I doubt very much that I had accomplished even half of it. Priorities change, after all and I think I’m getting better in tuned to understand what it is God has planned for me. He made me with a purpose and I’ve struggled constantly with what that is but I know figuring that out is part of the journey.

It should be a good one.

Mmmm....Starbucks

This one’s a bit of a long one, so brace yourselves!

It’s embarrassing how late I sleep in sometimes but I rarely get to do it now so I totally exploit it when I can. This morning, after waking up at close to noon, I had some lunch at home and then went to run a few errands. Afterwards, perhaps influenced by the sunshine, I decided to drive down Mississauga Road. There’s something very atmospheric about driving down the windy road with all of those large trees glaring down at you with Rachael Yamagata coming through the speakers. I then decided to make the full drive down to Port Credit to chill out a little by the river. Little did I know the Mississauga Waterfront Festival was going on and I had accidentally stumbled upon it!

I'd look really creepy riding this as a grown woman, wouldn't I?

Really wanted to ride the Merry-Go-Round except, well, I’m 23 and didn’t have the excuse of having a kid to take on it. Although to be fair, in my flowery dress and ribbon headband in my hair, I’m sure I could have passed for younger.

Yesterday, I was supposed to have the day off but was forced to go to work to arrange the G20 passes for next week. Henry was having his first day off in who knows how long and wanted to spend it wisely so I told him I could meet up with him for lunch and hang out afterwards since the security passes were supposed to be in by noon anyways. Of course, they weren’t and since our security person couldn’t tell us when we were to expect them I decided to leave when Henry got into town. We went for a nice lunch at the King West Kitchen and then strolled down Queen Street for a bit while Henry pointed out to me all the places he’s been that hot girls hang out. Because I really needed to know this information.

Of course, I just had to pop into a couple of the stores and even found a store that sold these awesome vintage dresses from Bettie Pages Clothing. Wanted to try them on but felt bad for making Henry wait for me, although he said it was ok because he wasn’t on a schedule anyway, haha! Oh well, next time I will have to.

Afterwards, we picked up Howard when he was off work and headed back to Mississauga. We stopped by Square One for a bit before meeting up with Jeff for dinner. Dinner was spent just generally being loud, inappropriate and laughing way too much as is usually expected with these boys. I say boys, but they’re all 9-12 years older than I am but I grew up with them. They saw me during my awkward, pre-teen tomboy rebellion phases and now that I’m finally grown up, they have free reign to make inappropriate jokes in front of me. Still, I love them like my big brothers and of course, they had to ask me who out of all of them would I choose to date. I gave the diplomatic answer of “Suicide”. The truth is, there are things about each that I love and things that I absolutely can’t stand. So I think I gave the right answer.

We went back to Square One after dinner because Howard wanted to buy a jacket he saw there and then we decided to go watch a movie but nothing that was playing was interesting so we decided to rent a movie and watch it at Howard’s. We settled on “Daybreakers” and most of the movie was spent with the boys asking one another “Would you date her?” whenever a female popped on screen. Really, I don’t know why I’m still surprised this happens. The movie itself wasn’t all that impressive, but entertaining enough I suppose.

Earlier in the evening, we had all contributed to buy a Lotto Max ticket in the hope of becoming millionaires and we attempted to stay up to wait for the winning numbers to be announced to find out if our lives would be changed forever but when we saw the numbers weren’t going to be posted for awhile, we decided to call it a evening.

So, if you read all that I commend you. Frankly, I don’t know if there’s anybody out there still reading my silly little corner of the Internet anymore. I don’t know why I’ve been compelled to update lately, I guess maybe it’s because I’ve actually had something to write about. Life is so much more interesting with other people in it. And yet, I spent the majority of today on my own and was perfectly content as well. Maybe this is what it feels like to be at peace.

One of the sub-plots is the relationship between Amy Dorrit and Arthur Clennam. Amy was born in the debtor’s prison where her father was an inmate. She grew up good friends with the turnkey (basically, the warden)’s son John, who is in love with her although Amy does not feel the same way. Amy meets Arthur when she is employed by his mother as a seamstress and the two form a friendship and of course, she falls in love with him even though he is completely clueless to the fact because as sweet and kind as Arthur is, he’s also a bit obtuse. This video behind the cut summarizes their relationship nicely (Spoilers ahead)

There were a lot of great scenes in it but one part that always stood out in my mind was when Arthur speaks to Amy after she rejected John’s proposal. Having never read the source material, I don’t know if it’s true to the book but the scene was so pitch perfect in every way it really stood out for me. Arthur is told by Mr. Chivery that Amy is in love with John but rejected him because she feels she cannot leave her father. Chivery asks Arthur to convince Amy to accept, but Amy insists to him that she’s never loved John and never will. She says that she is sorry he has hurt him and that it distressesher that he is upset.

It’s a beautiful scene and Claire Foy who plays Amy totally sells all of the conflicting emotions at play here. John has been her best friend since she was born and she is truly upset that he is hurt, worse yet that sheis the source of his distress. The fact that she is upset because he is suffering really speaks to Amy’s gentle and truly kind nature. At the same time, she knows how it feels when your affections are not returned as Amy learns from Arthur himself that he has feelings for another woman. Of course, Arthur reveals this without knowing about Amy’s feelings for him. When Amy told her older sister about John’s proposal, she says something along the lines that she should have accepted since she wasn’t going to get any offers from anybody else. Up until this point, Amy was perhaps holding onto hope that Arthur could return her affections but of course all that is shattered when he encourages her to accept somebody else.

I wish I could upload the scene becaues it’s so beautiful how gorgeous yet complex it is. The dialogue itself is fairly straightforward but the dichotomy of Amy’s conflict and layered emotions compared to Arthur’s simplicity and some would say ignorance is so interesting to watch. In a way, Amy knows that she can’t blame Arthur for being blind to her affections when she had been blind to John’s, just like how she can’t expect to him to alleviate her suffering if she can’t do the same for John.

I don’t know why I’ve been ruminating on that scene but it’s one that’s always stuck out in my head. And you know me, I’m a nerd and am always one for analysis. It’s the logical side of me. Perhaps this is why I have always been told I would make a great lawyer. Unfortunately, I don’t know any lawyers that get to analyze British period dramas as part of the job. Too bad!

Summer’s here and with it comes the sunshine. I’m not a fan of the heat, but having the sun out there has made me a lot lighter lately. No, I’m not losing vast amounts of weight, but I do feel a lot more reassured. Nothing in my life has changed. I’m still in the same job, but I think I’m very close to moving to a bigger challenge. I have great relationships with my friends and family and I’m getting to know people at church more. Everybody around me seems happy too and that’s such a joy to see. The only adequate way to describe it is that feeling when you’re driving with the sun roof open (or the top down if that’s your prerogative) down an open stretch of road with your best friends and your favourite songs coming out of the speakers. It’s the simplicity and the potential of greatness of that moment.

I suppose I mean to say I feel like I’m on the cusp of something. God has been doing some great things in my life and I’ve spent most of my time ignoring it and running away from it. MM put it in the best way when he said that I always seem to get down on myself when good things are happening. I make excuses for why I don’t deserve it and end up psyching myself out, I suppose in a way jinxing it and then the goodness just seems to dry up. In reality, that doesn’t happen, I just find a way to be pessimistic and end up seeing the negative in things.

I’m not afraid to admit it now, but it probably had a lot to do with the anxiety that accompanies disappointed hope. My confusion over my feelings for TDB lead to a lot of anxiety. There was something good that could have happened there but I was just hit with the impossibility of the situation that I convinced myself that the relationship was in fact, impossible. And thus I didn’t do anything about it. But I think perhaps my fear of change, my lack of willingness to give up control had a lot to do with it as well.

But I’m in a good place with it now. I can finally go back to being more natural and being myself and not let it cloud my judgment so I can better see the joy that there is to be had in life.

Asides from that, I’ve been watching a lot more of the World Cup than I thought I would. It’s constantly on in the background at work and I can’t help but be intrigued by the narratives that accompany each game. Can’t say I enjoy soccer anymore but it’s always an interesting story that accompanies it when countries come together for the love of a sport. It’s more than just a game, isn’t it? And that’s why I love sports.

But really, that’s probably a longer essay for another day!

I’ve watched a couple of episodes of it before when it was on Showcase so I wasn’t entirely new to it but it was even better than I expected. For one, the acting is top notch and the plot is very intriguing. I’ve also joined the scores of women that are in love with Gene Hunt (played by Phil Glenister whom I first saw as Mr. Carter on ‘Cranford’. Suffice it to say, Gene Hunt is NOTHING like Mr. Carter). I think it says something about our collective psyche as women when we end up in love with a fictional character that’s quite blatantly a homophobic, misogynistic cad but I suppose it’s no secret I’ll fall for anybody with an English accent.

I also watched the sequel, “Ashes to Ashes” because I needed my fill of Glenister, but I have to say I didn’t enjoy it as much. I think “Life on Mars” was more interesting because of how stylized it was. Still, it was enjoyable. I know there’s an American version out there that was made a couple of years ago and only lasted the one season, but I don’t think I’m going to venture into watching it.

As you can tell, this is my bi-monthly attempt at getting this blog up and running again. I wish there were interesting things going on in my life to keep you guys entertained but the truth is, my life is generally anti-climactic. I wake up, go to work, come home, whittle the evening somehow with one of my many distractions and then wake up to do it all over again. I suppose when one steps back and look at the sum of the parts, it’s not exactly a life imbued with much meaning but I hope that the things I do mean something to somebody.

I’m not sure where exactly I was going with that.

In any case, Chinese New Year was this past weekend and my father is in the country, which means we’ve all been very busy catching up with people. His social calendar gets really booked when he’s here so this has been one of my less boring weeks. Well, as exciting as having dinner with family friends can get! With the birth of my nephew Austin, it means that my generation of kids/cousins don’t receive Red Envelopes anymore, which kind of takes the fun out of New Year’s, but it’s not all about the money! It’s always a joy to see Austin. Even though he’s a baby and I generally don’t like babies, it’s hard not to love that little rascal. He looks exactly like his dad and is not fussy at all. I, of course, am taking my duty as the Crazy/Cool Aunt very seriously by making sure he gets indoctrinated on hockey (specifically the Ottawa Senators) early. All of my gifts for him have all been hockey-related.

Tomorrow, I have band practice for Church service on Sunday and then not much from there. Here’s to another week almost gone by.

Me, CJ, Lisa

The evening was super fun and we danced up a storm. Inevitably, we threw off our absolutely-gorgeous-but-nonetheless-painful shoes in favour of dancing. I suppose that’s a sign of a good evening. While my friends were social butterflies, going around introducing themselves, I stayed in my comfort zone and tagged along, making conversation where I could but never really initiating anything.

Still, I had a great time. I did meet somebody new, somebody that my friends were hoping would be a connection of some kind. They literally physically ran into him so he would stop to talk to us. Him and CJ exchanged cards and they’ve been e-mailing back and forth. I told her if she’s thinking of hooking us up, I’d rather just not know about it.

Other than that, there’s not much been going on. Work has been pretty much the same and church and community group is going well. I’ve been playing more in band and really enjoying it. I think that’s the area where I’ve really been called to serve. I can’t say I’m as talented as the others in my band, but I do have a heart to reach out to people through music.

Exciting news, I recently entered the 21st century and got myself a BlackBerry. It’s this beauty right here:

Suffice it to say, I haven’t been able to remove myself from it since I purchased it on Saturday. My cell phone bill actually hasn’t increased by that much but I suppose I’ll have to be a bit wary of my spending in the next little while.

Saturday, I watched “The Sound of Music” at the Princess of Wales theatre with my cousin, her husband and our friend Le-Anh. I’ve never seen the movie before but being the choir dork that I am, sang all the songs. Now that they’re in context, it makes a little more sense not that it makes “16 going on 17″ any less creepy.

That is it for my mish-mash of thoughts. I am currently sittingin my room, wearing my Senators jersey listening to my boys getting beat by the Washington Ovechkins 3-1. Back to my original anti-social nature, I really like chill nights like this. Just me and my hockey.

And I wonder why I’m still single.*

*(I don’t actually wonder, I think it’s pretty apparent the many reasons why)

I can’t believe how long it has been since my last update. I’m pretty certain I would have been in shorts and sandals when that was posted. How much has changed in the last little while, and most of it has stayed the same. I think I may have become a workaholic. Not so much that I’m at the office all the time (although with the season starting, that will soon become a reality), but when I’m not in the office, I don’t feel like going out and being social. There just isn’t enough time, enough energy or enough motivation to do anything. I’m selfish like that; I just want me time so I can stay at home and veg. And I feel guilty about it. Maybe it’s self-centered of me to think that people are actually missing my company but perhaps I will allow myself to think that is the case. If I keep saying ‘no’, people will stop asking and I don’t like the thought of that either.

See? There are still so many things I have to figure out from life.

Clearly, I am just thinking too long and hard about too many things. But if I don’t give my brain a good work out, it shall grow cobwebs and soon become just a figurehead in my existence. I need to stimulate it with made-up problems and conundrums. It’s so much better than exercising it by solving math equations and making it try to explain scientific anomalies…isn’t it?

In short, my brain is kind of scary when I’m allowed to think.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I last posted here. My life has changed quite a bit so I suppose I should get to updating my “About” page. Most things have stayed the same though, except I am now part of the full-time working world and actually a contributing member of society. Somewhat. I pay taxes, I own a vehicle (well, I’m paying off a vehicle that I will own in 5 years time) and I have a chair and a computer in an office-type place where papers are shuffled, stapled and photocopied in a day’s work. And I’m really happy with it except I feel that it’s not the best use of my Honours Bachelors of Commerce. I don’t feel as challenged or stimulated as I could be, but I suppose it’s a good starting point. And it’s not that I give much weight to titles but I don’t like telling people I’m an admin assistant because I don’t feel like it encompasses everything I do. But I don’t want to outright lie either.

I guess selfishly I just want more out of life. I don’t think I’ve experienced all there is. God made the world so vast and so full that I feel like in order to appreciate all of it, I need to seek more of it.

I really am blessed to have the luxury to be able to seek it and I hope that I never forget to be grateful for it.