All Right, You’ve Got My Attention!
Inexplicably, I feel the need to update this little corner of the webiverse every couple of months or so. I wish my life was interesting enough for me to blog more frequently as my writing would probably improve a lot more if I actually, you know, wrote more but it’s actually a lot more harder to write about what’s going on in reality than writing about what I’ve invented in my imagination. Who knows, maybe because in my imagination I can make things as interesting and dramatic as I need to and also scale back on the melodrama when I need to as well. I like having that control. Who doesn’t, right?
Summer’s here and with it comes the sunshine. I’m not a fan of the heat, but having the sun out there has made me a lot lighter lately. No, I’m not losing vast amounts of weight, but I do feel a lot more reassured. Nothing in my life has changed. I’m still in the same job, but I think I’m very close to moving to a bigger challenge. I have great relationships with my friends and family and I’m getting to know people at church more. Everybody around me seems happy too and that’s such a joy to see. The only adequate way to describe it is that feeling when you’re driving with the sun roof open (or the top down if that’s your prerogative) down an open stretch of road with your best friends and your favourite songs coming out of the speakers. It’s the simplicity and the potential of greatness of that moment.
I suppose I mean to say I feel like I’m on the cusp of something. God has been doing some great things in my life and I’ve spent most of my time ignoring it and running away from it. MM put it in the best way when he said that I always seem to get down on myself when good things are happening. I make excuses for why I don’t deserve it and end up psyching myself out, I suppose in a way jinxing it and then the goodness just seems to dry up. In reality, that doesn’t happen, I just find a way to be pessimistic and end up seeing the negative in things.
I’m not afraid to admit it now, but it probably had a lot to do with the anxiety that accompanies disappointed hope. My confusion over my feelings for TDB lead to a lot of anxiety. There was something good that could have happened there but I was just hit with the impossibility of the situation that I convinced myself that the relationship was in fact, impossible. And thus I didn’t do anything about it. But I think perhaps my fear of change, my lack of willingness to give up control had a lot to do with it as well.
But I’m in a good place with it now. I can finally go back to being more natural and being myself and not let it cloud my judgment so I can better see the joy that there is to be had in life.
Asides from that, I’ve been watching a lot more of the World Cup than I thought I would. It’s constantly on in the background at work and I can’t help but be intrigued by the narratives that accompany each game. Can’t say I enjoy soccer anymore but it’s always an interesting story that accompanies it when countries come together for the love of a sport. It’s more than just a game, isn’t it? And that’s why I love sports.
But really, that’s probably a longer essay for another day!
